13 Lawyers Share Their Strangest Would-It-Be-Illegal-If Questions They've Received

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mattstaff
Jul 23, 2018 9:00 PM EDT

Asking the question in the first place gives off all kinds of shady vibes. 

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  • 01
    Text - stormylullabye 10d Everyone wants to know the precise limits of "self defense," to the point of: "Hi, stormylullabye, what do you do for a living?" "I'm a lawyer." "Oh. So if someone called me an asshole and 1 punched them, would it be self defense?" ...every. time. Probably the strangest questions relate to fan fiction, though
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  • 02
    Text - JackofScarlets 10d Iremember the cops in America had to remind people that it wasn't legal to shoot on sight the people dressed as clowns. I mean, that should have been obvious.
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  • 03
    Text - Mail_Order_Lutefisk 11d A guy in my concealed carry class was asking a lot of crazy hypotheticals about when he could pull on someone and when he could shoot. One night he brought in a gym bag that had duct tape and zip ties (among other weird stuff) and was asking about the legality of effecting a citizen's arrest and the legality of putting the duct tape over the suspect's mouth after the suspect's hands were zip tied. I really hope that dude is on a watch list somewhere.
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  • 04
    Text - Mojoreisman 1ld There's the old drinking man's "DUI avoidance" scheme that people ask my wife (who used to be a PD and is now an ADA) about all the time. You're drunk driving and get pulled over by police. The second you get pulled over you: 1. Cut the engine and step out of the car with a full bottle of whiskey (preferably JD as the square bottle ensures it hasn't rolled out of reach) 2. Throw your keys far away, preferably in the woods or down a sewer grate 3. Open and pound the whiskey
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  • 05
    Text - the_coff 11d A good friend is a lawyer. While we were on a guy's weekend abroad, he got a text, went quiet and texted something back. I asked if it was work related, and yes, it was a client who wanted his lawyer to pass on some information about where the client had hidden his stash. My friend responded simply "sorry, I think you understand that I can't do that" The client stupidly thought that the lawyer's confidentiality was a back door to using him as a tool in the drug dealing busine
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  • 06
    Text - NAbsentia 10d Client is the subject of a Protective Order prohibiting him from being within 100 feet of the protected person. He tells me he has a laser rangefinder and makes sure he is complying by taking line of sight measurements of his distance from her. By bouncing the laser off her. Ihad to tell him that is literally compliant but worse in the mind of the court than just not complying. Please either stop doing that or raise more money to deal with the shitstorm coming when she notic
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  • 07
    Text - abunchofsquirrels 11d At a meeting of companies in a citywide industry to discuss how they should handle increased costs of business and lack of market power, one owner stood up and suggested that they all just agree to raise their prices and all charge the same price, and everyone would keep tabs on everyone else to make sure that no one charges less than that. Um, no. That's criminal price fixing.
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  • 08
    Text - Hiredgun77 10d Wife got house in the divorce. Husband "So, the insurance on the house lapsed. If it just happens to randomly burn down one night she'd end up with nothing right? Look, I'm not saying I'm going to do anything, I mean shit happens sometimes. There's no way the Court would blame me right?" I withdrew from the case shortly after. Another divorce: -"It's not illegal to just take all the money to the Ukraine right? I know people in banking there; she'll never find it." Me: "we h
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  • 09
    Text - reset_password_: 10d I don't get a lot of "is it legal if.." calls, but the strangest calls I get all the time always start with: "um, yeah, I'm'a need you to ..." followed by some completely impractical thing, into which the person clearly has not factored the cost of legal services: "Um, yeah, I'm'a need you to make my doctor's office get me an uber because my care is broken." No, my dude.
    via u/cssensing87
  • 10
    Text - Regis YourVampirePal 11d A stunning amount of clients don't understand that you can't lie in court. "Well what if I just put the money in my mom's account and testify that I don't have any?" "Well, that would be a violation of discovery rules, a violation of duty of candor to the tribunal, a violation of bad faith, and false statement/ perjury. So you'd go to jail and I'd lose my bar license." "Oh. Well, what if I put it in my DAD'S account?"
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  • 11
    Text - frittata_ 10d Not exactly a "would it be illegal" hypothetical, but my firm corresponded with a potential client who just seemed totally oblivious. We received an email inquiry about company incorporation and a lawyer responded with a quote and the required details we would need to go forward, including a description of the planned business activities. The potential client sent a reply telling us the company would not be doing any business and it was for "tax reasons". We explained that e
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  • 12
    Text - Troutmandoo 10d Kind of a fun one - I do a lot of probate and estate planning, and I had a guy who wanted to know if it would be legal for him to take money and other valuable possessions and then divide them up into a bunch of waterproof metal boxes and bury them in his back yard (it was more of a pasture - 3 or 4 acres). Then, he was going to leave his three kids each a metal detector to be given to them at his wake. Whatever they found, they got to keep Technically, at least in my stat
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  • 13
    Text - A woman claimed that someone she knew (I forget the relationship) somehow stole her cat, and was now taunting her with photos of the cat that said "Ha Ha Ha, I have your cat" and she wanted to know if it was legal for her to enter the apartment by any means necessary to retrieve the cat. I know that sounds like a prank, but if it was she was pretty damn convincing in how distraught she sounded. Honestly, the place is a magnet for drama and crazy so it really wasn't surprising to get a cal
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